In an age where we’ve made leaps and bounds in the area of communication, why on earth haven’t we come up with something to help us understand babies? I mean it’s a most desperately required piece of technology – just ask any frazzled parent who’d give their right arm to figure out what their screaming Hell Beast wants at three in the morning. Honestly, how hard can it be? They had one in The Simpsons and they predicted the Trump Presidency, so surely anything’s possible? And while they’re at it, they should design one for use on cats, as I desperately want to know what my furry monsters’ fixation for our bedroom wardrobe is all about; meowing plaintively at it on a daily basis for no discernible reason. But I digress.
Admittedly, my interest in this is completely selfish, as before having my own crying bundle of joy I truly believed that it was just a problem that parents should just have to deal with and keep it away from the rest of us. One could say, my current predicament is a good dose of karma for my lack of sympathy but that is neither here nor there.
Our little Gremlin – he was a Mogwai but we fed him after midnight – certainly hasn’t been shy about voicing his disapproval since the day he was born and I must say that his Banshee impersonation is fairly flawless. It would, however, be far nicer to have a less ear-bleeding method of conversing.
Granted we are starting to be able to tell the “I’m hungry” moan, from the “I’ve soiled myself” grumble and the “I want a cuddle now, dammit” grizzle, but there continues to be instances when all of his needs appear to have been met and yet there is one very unhappy baby insisting we figure out what’s wrong pronto.
On the plus side, his efforts to chat when he’s actually in a good mood have progressed from his usual array of grunts to something more in the vein of the coo variety, coupled with very intensely curious looks. Of course, I do realise that it shan’t be long before he starts talking in understandable phrases that will be shortly followed by the wish that he would please be quiet for five seconds…I should really look into getting some noise cancelling headphones.
Regardless of how frustrating it may become at times, all it takes one sly little smile or laugh and all is forgiven, leaving me to question how I could ever have been even vaguely upset with his high-pitched howls…until the next time.
So, come on technology gods, how about it? The inventor would surely make a fortune. Personally, I’d trade my own mother for one…best keep that just between us though.