Motherf@&king kids on this motherf@&king plane!

Sadly my days of flying business class are but a fond memory – maybe I should have married that pilot when I had the chance. Anyway, now that I’m forced into economy I do try to make it as pleasant as possible for myself and for those around me and that is why I find my blood boiling quite rapidly if I happen to find myself seated near children. Yet when I’ve helpfully suggested to perhaps stow their tyrannical toddler in the overhead compartment somehow I’m the monster – not the one who brought the demon spawn onboard in the first place.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Parents that insist on taking their babies and small children on long haul planes deserve their own spot in hell – preferably locked in a metal container full of screaming children. Admittedly some are perfectly well behaved and you don’t hear a peep out of them but they are well and truly in the minority given all the unruly ones I’ve encountered in my travels.

The parents could at least have the forethought to dose their progeny with enough cough syrup to ensure that it’s naptime for most of the flight but no. Have you ever noticed that that ones that scream the loudest also seem to have parents with an amazing ability to block them out? Almost as if they don’t have a wailing banshee seated next to them, although it’s hardly the children’s fault. Personally I blame the parents and the airlines.

Granted there are some airlines that are more like flying crèches than others – I’m looking at you Etihad- but I really do think that everyone would benefit from child free flights or at the very least child friendly sections where all the families could sit together and drive each other mad. Parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about their misbehaving noisy offspring as the rest would be doing the same and the childfree travellers could enjoy their trip in peace – well as much as possible in economy.


Possibly it is all one giant scam by the airlines to encourage you to pay for the blissful cocoon of silence that the business and first class sections offer. Much in the same way they insist that you walk through the business cabin on your way to cattle class, to make you envious of all that luxurious space. What they fail to realise is that all it does is make their passengers even more bitter and resentful – well this one anyway – but that’s an angry post for another day.

Thankfully after a few sleepless flights, I’ve now managed to navigate around these cacophonous childebeests by coming prepared with eye mask and earplugs to accompany my after dinner cocktail – gin and heavy duty sleeping pills – which sends me right off into a blissful slumber. One does what one must after all.

Is there any one else out there similarly enraged? Feel free to drop me a line and perhaps together we can find some fiendishly creative solutions to this most vexing of problems?

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